This weekend is March for Dimes. I have been so excited about this event for some time now. Raising money for this cause has been great and I am so glad that we are making it to our $500 goal!
Yet, in the midst of the fundraising and excitement, the feeling of sadness and a familiar ache has crept its way into my day to day thinking. Since the moment I found out we had lost our little one, I was determined to be 100% drama free about the whole issue. I didn't want to make a scene and didn't want to have people focusing too much on it. My husband and I comforted ourselves fairly quietly and moved on. Or so we thought....
In our deperate attempt to "move on" I think we may have forgotten to process. Moving on is much easier if you take the time to understand how your feeling. I've heard a lot of people say that putting a lot of stock in ones feelings isn't profitable. That's true. When it comes to marriages, sometimes you can't go just off feelings. You have to make a choice and stick to it even when you don't feel like it. With this however, I am reminded of the song "Blessings" from Laura Story.
We pray for blessings
We pray for peace
Comfort for family, protection while we sleep
We pray for healing, for prosperity
We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering
All the while, You hear each spoken need
Yet love is way too much to give us lesser things
'Cause what if your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You're near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise
We pray for wisdom
Your voice to hear
We cry in anger when we cannot feel You near
We doubt your goodness, we doubt your love
As if every promise from Your Word is not enough
All the while, You hear each desperate plea
And long that we'd have faith to believe
When friends betray us
When darkness seems to win
We know that pain reminds this heart
That this is not our home
What if my greatest disappointments
Or the aching of this life
Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can't satisfy
What if trials of this life
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights
Are your mercies in disguise
We pray for peace
Comfort for family, protection while we sleep
We pray for healing, for prosperity
We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering
All the while, You hear each spoken need
Yet love is way too much to give us lesser things
'Cause what if your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You're near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise
We pray for wisdom
Your voice to hear
We cry in anger when we cannot feel You near
We doubt your goodness, we doubt your love
As if every promise from Your Word is not enough
All the while, You hear each desperate plea
And long that we'd have faith to believe
When friends betray us
When darkness seems to win
We know that pain reminds this heart
That this is not our home
What if my greatest disappointments
Or the aching of this life
Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can't satisfy
What if trials of this life
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights
Are your mercies in disguise
The part that makes the most sense to me is "What if Your healing comes through tears." I am fearful, as well as those who know me best, that in an attempt to keep things "in check" so do speak, I have forgotten to process all of it. As the walk that we are doing in honor of Baby Ott draws near, that ache is creeping back in. Its silly things really. Like the other day, I was in the grocery line and there was a few day old baby boy in front of me. I didn't have any of the kids with me and of course I have a gorgeous and amazing 8 month old at home. However, I felt an ache. We had wanted Baby Ott to be a boy so bad. That I think just seeing a super teeny baby boy may have sparked it. I felt silly as I stood there in the line tearing up when I had such precious gifts waiting anxiously for their mommy to bring home treats and chocolate milk:) Then of course I felt selfish. How can I be sad that my baby beat me to Heaven??
A few months ago, I read Heaven is for REAL. I was very skeptical as I began reading. However, as I read on, my heart opened to the possibility of something so wonderful. In the book, the parents of the boy lost a baby. They did not know the gender of the baby or anything. The child who the book is written about talks to his parents about meeting his sister that he had never even heard about. About what she looked like and how old she looked, etc. This has given me so much hope. I know most don't believe this book and I can understand that. However, the healing balm it put on my heart was so wonderful. You don't know how to picture your baby in heaven. Is your baby a baby or is your baby a teenager or in their 30s? To read about what this boy saw and who he met and the things he knows that he shouldn't. It was a great book. I highly recommend it. I would also recommend tissues.
So as this weekend approaches, I would like to say how thankful I am that God loves me. That He fills me up with his mercy. While I don't always understand His plan, I know its for me good. So I will walk this March for Dimes with hope and a renewed sense of victory. Our son/daughter walks with Jesus. He/she is walking on the golden streets of heaven. He/she sings praises all day long and is surrounded by God's glory and majesty. I will keep this beautiful image in view. God is good...ALL the time.
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