It has been a while! I think over a year. So much has happened that it seems almost a daunting task to bring you up to date. In fact, it is so daunting that I may just stick with the current.
Life.Is.Crazy.
That could probably sum it all up but I will go into further detail. Alexis is in her last year of high school (insert sigh of relief here.) She was accepted into the nail tech program and seems to be doing very well. We are definitely proud of her initiative to do well and succeed. Owen is in 1st grade. That's right....first grade. I can't believe how big he is. He is also a master chess player. I mean it...this kid has got game. However, he is well rounded and is proficient in both the arts and sports. He loves watching daddy shoot the compound bow as well as kick the soccer ball around the yard. Isabella is in school this year. She has taken to Kindergarten like a duck to water. Miss Super Shy has turned into Miss Butterfly! She loves her teachers and continues to blow us away on a daily basis with her outstanding artist skills and musical talent. She also has a serious knack for anything athletic. Olivia just turned three and is by far one of the sweetest little STINKERS I have ever met in my life. She is so loving and sweet that she can be so rotten and you struggle to even be mad when she smiles and calls you a "poopy head." She is growing like a week and loves her baby sister to death. Evalyn is all smiles and all attitude. For one years old, she is really giving us a run for our money. She is an absolute goof ball with a serious attitude to boot! She is walking and into everything as well.
Chris is about to hit the 3 year mark with At&t and is making serious headway with the company. He is continuously recognized for her superior work ethic and great leadership skills. We have high hopes for his future with At&t. I am finishing up my last semester of my associates degree. I will then be transferring to Liberty University to work towards my Masters in Education. Its my goal to work in the kids school so as to still remain 100% active in their lives while still having a life myself. While I am a stay at home mom, I still work as Child Advocate in the Marion County courts. I will also start working in the kids' school in the coming weeks. At church, my husband and I are the Youth Directors and I also teach the 5th and 6th graders. The choir has grown and really developed their skill and it is a joy to lead them. I recently started a teen girl bible study that seems to be going well.
Having said ALLLL of that....I am struggling. I'm not posting this update to my fb page because I mostly just wanted to get all my thoughts out. There is so much good going on, yet so much bad. In one place I find joy but in another only despair. What I once thought was normal hormonal mood swings, I now know to be something entirely different. I am depressed. Yep, Miss Conservative, Get Over Yourself, is depressed. In fact, I have fallen so deeply into this depression and waited to long to even reveal such to my spouse that I am wondering if there is even a recovery at this point. What usually follows this recognition is self-loathing that I could be so selfish to have so much (amazing kids, great church, awesome family, bright future) and yet all I can see if how sad I am. My life isnt at all what I planned. I understand that is my fault but being my fault or not doesnt make the reality pill slide down any easier. Each day I see my hopes and dreams slip more out of my grasp and I am left screaming at it to come back. I see the scene from Hope Floats where Sandra Bullock is laying on the bathroom floor with her head in her Mama's lap and she is saying, "I thought I was something special." This is essentially what my mind is doing...lying on the floor crying over a life lost. Pathetic...I know. Self-centered...probably. Can I change it....we'll find out. I am trying. I have been white knuckling my life for 6 months now and have only seen a farther decline. I have cried to God....devoted my time to digging deeper into Him. I have strayed and gone of the deep end. I have come back....and still...my sense of loss and blackness continues. I never understood depression...scoffed at it even and now that I find myself breathing it...I feel so ashamed for my ignorance towards others who battled with it. Those around me would not understand so I remain silent and those to whom I have broken my silence, only understand in its most basic of forms.
In my darkest moments I repeat..."I will lift up mine eyes, unto the hills from which cometh my help. My help cometh from the Lord who has made heaven and earth....the Lord shall preserve me from all evil...He shall preserve my soul." This is all I have left to ask....
