It has been forever since I have posted on my blog. To be honest, I kinda forgot about it.
So much has changed. Of course as most of you know, Chris and I are having baby #3 in 4 "wake ups" as our son, Owen, likes to put it. I am very excited. There is always that sense of anxiety that accompanies bringing a new babe into the world. I cant help but think, "How am I supposed to be the mother of three children?!" I guess its a little late to being thinking that huh?? LOL.
With all the hussle and bussle of preparing for the new little addition, I have stopped to make an observation about the past year. This hit me like a brick just a few days ago...
When things go wrong, I mean REALLY wrong, sometimes we tend to think God has forgotten about us. Maybe none of you have this problem but I did and do. We think that God has stepped back and walked away. Obviously thats not true. Deau 31:6 "Be strong and of a good courage, fear not, nor be afraid of them: for the LORD thy God, he it is that doth go with thee; he will not fail thee, nor forsake thee." It seems that in the time of trial by fire, I forget about this verse. I definitely forgot about this verse a year ago.
Chris and I were expecting last summer and were concerned because it was NOT planned but were none the less thrilled over what the Lord had blessed us with. Then July came and the pregnancy was no more. I thought, "God just decided to stop protecting me. He stopped protecting my unborn child from the MANY things that can go wrong in pregnancy." Part of me even thought that maybe it was punishment for all my past sins. Of course I could site another verse: Psalms 103:12 "As far as the east is from the west, so far hath he removed our transgressions from us." Again, not one of those verses you think of in the midst of the storm. It all comes to you later.
When Chris and I found out on Christmas eve that we were again expecting, I was NOT in a good place. I had told myself I was done having babies because I couldnt stand the chance of going through that hurt again. I had 2 beautiful children and I needed to be content and happy with that. So when we got the news, I was racked with guilt that I was not jumping up and down with happiness. I didnt want to hope that everything would be fine. I didnt want to hope that this was God's plan. I feel that I held my breath for 3 months straight. After we got through the first trimester, I started thinking maybe everything would be ok. It got easier as time went by. Of course I was holding on to all my cares : I Peter5:7 "Casting all your care upon him; for he careth for you." Through all this time, I didnt stop to think what REALLY had taken place the previous summer. God has not STOPPED protecting me and our child. He chose to protect in an even more personal level. He took him/her to be with HIM. The true father and protector. The GREAT physician. While I was sitting there thinking God had chosen to stop doing "his job," he was holding MY child and trying to hold me at the same time. I dont know what went wrong. Maybe the baby was growing abnormally. Maybe the baby was going to have SEVERE disabilities, making his/her life difficult. I dont know why but I do know that God does. And HE isnt a God of revenge. HE is a God of Love. He wasnt punishing me for some past wrong that was already forgiven.
As the days draw close and I feel the excitement, anxiety, and joy that comes with this new adventure, I feel so blessed. So loved and protected. So unworthy of all that God does for me; all that He has given me. He has stayed by me through-out this whole pregnancy and we cannot wait to meet Olivia. We are thankful for the baby he holds and the baby he has given.
This is a somewhat personal post but I have been thinking on this so persistently, I thought it might be good to put it down into words.
