I'm Back

It has been a while! I think over a year.  So much has happened that it seems almost a daunting task to bring you up to date. In fact, it is so daunting that I may just stick with the current.

Life.Is.Crazy.

That could probably sum it all up but I will go into further detail.  Alexis is in her last year of high school (insert sigh of relief here.) She was accepted into the nail tech program and seems to be doing very well.  We are definitely proud of her initiative to do well and succeed.  Owen is in 1st grade. That's right....first grade.  I can't believe how big he is. He is also a master chess player.  I mean it...this kid has got game. However, he is well rounded and is proficient in both the arts and sports.  He loves watching daddy shoot the compound bow as well as kick the soccer ball around the yard.  Isabella is in school this year. She has taken to Kindergarten like a duck to water. Miss Super Shy has turned into Miss Butterfly! She loves her teachers and continues to blow us away on a daily basis with her outstanding artist skills and musical talent. She also has a serious knack for anything athletic. Olivia just turned three and is by far one of the sweetest little STINKERS I have ever met in my life.  She is so loving and sweet that she can be so rotten and you struggle to even be mad when she smiles and calls you a "poopy head."  She is growing like a week and loves her baby sister to death. Evalyn is all smiles and all attitude.  For one years old, she is really giving us a run for our money.  She is an absolute goof ball with a serious attitude to boot! She is walking and into everything as well.

Chris is about to hit the 3 year mark with At&t and is making serious headway with the company.  He is continuously recognized for her superior work ethic and great leadership skills. We have high hopes for his future with At&t.  I am finishing up my last semester of my associates degree.  I will then be transferring to Liberty University to work towards my Masters in Education. Its my goal to work in the kids school so as to still remain 100% active in their lives while still having a life myself.  While I am a stay at home mom, I still work as  Child Advocate in the Marion County courts.  I will also start working in the kids' school in the coming weeks.  At church, my husband and I are the Youth Directors and I also teach the 5th and 6th graders.  The choir has grown and really developed their skill and it is a joy to lead them.  I recently started a teen girl bible study that seems to be going well.

Having said ALLLL of that....I am struggling.  I'm not posting this update to my fb page because I mostly just wanted to get all my thoughts out.  There is so much good going on, yet so much bad. In one place I find joy but in another only despair.  What I once thought was normal hormonal mood swings, I now know to be something entirely different.  I am depressed.  Yep, Miss Conservative, Get Over Yourself, is depressed. In fact, I have fallen so deeply into this depression and waited to long to even reveal such to my spouse that I am wondering if there is even a recovery at this point.  What usually follows this recognition is self-loathing that I could be so selfish to have so much (amazing kids, great church, awesome family, bright future) and yet all I can see if how sad I am.  My life isnt at all what I planned.  I understand that is my fault but being my fault or not doesnt make the reality pill slide down any easier.  Each day I see my hopes and dreams slip more out of my grasp and I am left screaming at it to come back.  I see the scene from Hope Floats where Sandra Bullock is laying on the bathroom floor with her head in her Mama's lap and she is saying, "I thought I was something special."  This is essentially what my mind is doing...lying on the floor crying over a life lost.  Pathetic...I know. Self-centered...probably. Can I change it....we'll find out.  I am trying. I have been white knuckling my life for 6 months now and have only seen a farther decline. I have cried to God....devoted my time to digging deeper into Him. I have strayed and gone of the deep end. I have come back....and still...my sense of loss and blackness continues.  I never understood depression...scoffed at it even and now that I find myself breathing it...I feel so ashamed for my ignorance towards others who battled with it.  Those around me would not understand so I remain silent and those to whom I have broken my silence, only understand in its most basic of forms.

In my darkest moments I repeat..."I will lift up mine eyes, unto the hills from which cometh my help. My help cometh from the Lord who has made heaven and earth....the Lord shall preserve me from all evil...He shall preserve my soul."  This is all I have left to ask....

Let the Good Times Roll!!

As you will see, that title is slight, just slight sarcasm.  Last night very shortly after my last post, our basement flooded! Awesome right?? The pump just could not keep up.  Our house was built in 1910. It comes with beautiful wood work surrounding each door way in the molding and huge windows and lots and lots of great character.  It was completely redone 4 years ago. Windows, furnace, water heater, plumbing, heating/cooling, carpet, all flooring, siding...everything.  So while it still maintains that 1910 character, it has all new things.  However, when you head into the basement, it is ALL 1910.  No fixing up there.  There is soggy dirt floor and its just plain scary.  Right out of a horror film.  The only modern things down there is the furnace and things of that sort surrounded by 1910 freakiness. LOL.  So when we heard a buzzing sounds and opened up the basement door to hear running water and see 2-3 inches in our basement, we knew our 1910 was showing.  Thankfully, there is 3 rooms and the driest room is where we stored some of our stuff and that seemed untouched.  Thank the Lord. So needless to say, we are getting a visit from someone to take a peek and see what can be done. The water is gone now but it sure is soggy.

We now have another camper out for the count.  Curtis broke his nose and has to have surgery:(  Disappointing but of course that is a pretty good reason to miss summer camp.  A broken nose is kinda like a broke finger. You never realize how much it gets used or moved until it hurts to move it.  I could just see him getting a softball to the honker...ouch.  So pray for Curtis.  Poor kid!

As I type, Bella is twirling around me in her tutu and singing, "Trust and Obey for there's no other way, to be happy in Jesus but to Trust and Obey!" She loves that song.  I have been trying to go over the meaning of that song with her as well.  She is so smart and SO GIRL!!! There is not an inch of tom-boy in that girl.  She is all fairies and butterflies and singing while twirling.  Livy on the other hand...well, maybe not so much. LOL.

Today's is Lexi's last day of summer school where she got a 100% and made up an English credit! So proud of her.  I know she is excited to get a little break before it starts all over again.  It seems like the summers just fly by these days.  Before we know it, it will be school shopping and prep for the school year.  This mommy is prepping herself as much as possible for Owen going to school.

Well, those are my random thoughts for the morning. Have a blessed day!

BUSY!!

BUSY BUSY BUSY!

This week has been overwhelmingly busy and it is only Tuesday!! Between preps for camp, getting Owen all set with Kindergarten, being a mom of 5, play dates, and organizing rent at teen...I'm wiped.  I would love to just give a shout out to my husband. After returning from a camp prep shopping spree, I was not sure I could put one foot in front of the other...I was sitting there contemplating whether or not I even had the energy to eat my meal.  Chris was asking what all I needed to get done and I halfheartedly rattled off the list: switch over the laundry, wipe down the bathrooms, etc. About 10 minutes later I heard the dryer being started and smelled that familiar smell of bathroom cleaner assaulting my senses. My sweet husband had taken it upon himself to knock a few things off my list, allowing me to snag a 45 minute nap.   "AND THE HUSBAND OF THE YEAR AWARD GOES TO....MR. CHRISTOPHER OTT."  Its amazing how a little Lysol and laundry detergent being used by someone other than yourself can really turn your day around.  The other plus is that my Duggar size meal from last night yielded an extra 9x13 of Tater Tot Casserole...thus, no need to cook!  Yay for me!

Speaking of the Duggars, I have been reading their book, "A Love that Multiplies," and its has been such a blessing. A major portion of the book covers the birth and struggles of severely premature, Josie Duggar.  I have cried and laughed while reading this book.  One verse that is mentioned frequently is Romans 8:28 which states, "And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to HIS purpose."  I grew up knowing that verse but as a child, it can be difficult to grasp that verse entirely.  As an adult, with all the cares of running a family and finances and struggles, that verse comes into a very clear view.  I have been very stressed over camp and how we are all going to make it, stressed about Owen going to a school and the good/bad influences he could face,  stressed for my darling CASA kids, and just stressed as a mother of 5.  Having said all that, I am trying to remind myself that all things do work together for good to them that love God so my focus needs to be on pleasing and loving God more than ever and he will take care of all the rest.  When trials have come and boy, have they and will they come,  2 Corinthians 12:9 says, "My grace is sufficient for thee:fr my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me."  Also, "Be of good courage, and he shall strengthen your heart, all ye that hope in the Lord."  Its great to know that in our weak and fault filled spirit, we can gleen from His strength and that through His power, we can shine through. Reading of how this amazing family went through the trials they did and only trusted and loved God more, brings into light how little my problems are and how in God, I can rest assured.

As a CASA, I am bound by confidentiality regarding each child's case as they are minors. Having said that, I would like you to pray for a brother and sister that are having a major struggle and are in relative care.
Also, if I might ask, could you pray for me as I prepare my devotions for the girls at Summer Camp. Pray that the Lord will guide me as a prepare and that the youth group will hear what God has planned for them this week.

Bath TIME!!

Rough Few Days

What a week! 

I have felt fairly defeated this week. Its just seems to be one things after another preparing for camp.  So proud of the teens for working so hard to earn their way to camp.  Great kids:) 

I was pretty much awake off and on all night consumed with a runaway brain.  It kept rehashing recent struggles of the week and I could just not rest.  I am praying for guidance on how to deal with certain situations but sometimes find it hard to see beyond hurt feelings.  This is a big struggle...seeing God in the midst of it all can be tough.  Thankful for my wonderful man who has been so encouraging to me this last week.  He has really been in tune with what I need here lately.  

Sometimes when dealing with conflict, its hard to remember that this is JUST A TEST.  That Satan is trying our faith and we have to see it through.  1 Peter 1:7 says, "That the trial of your faith, being much more precious than of gold that perisheth, though it be  tried with fire, might be found unto praise and honor and glory at the appearing of Jesus Christ:"  This verse has been sticking in my mind.  When these trials come along, whatever they might be, I have to picture that TV in my mind saying, "THIS IS ONLY A TEST."  The end result of this trial is that through the trial, I can bring glory to God.  Its very hard to grasp that in the midst of the trial but I am really trying to see that.  How I react in my trial will either glorify or bring shame to my Lord.  Humbling thought.  

Most times I feel very inadequate as a leader, mother, and wife.  However, I am praying that God would take my comparison spirit away and just show me who and what I need to be according to HIM.  

This was kinda a jumbled mess of thoughts but its what was on my mind. 

If blogging were a class...I would fail.

I have had this blog for nearly 2 years and I have written less than 10 times.  That is pretty sad.  Finding time for hobbies can be hard around this place and when you find it, you should probably be catching what little sleep you can for the evening.

I am officially the mother of  5 children. That's right.  Alexis is 17 and about to start her sophomore year of high-school.  Owen is going to start Kindergarten next year. Its just insane. I can't believe he is so big. He is such a brain too. Isabella is our song bird. Mommy and Bella are going to start preschool at home this year.  Olivia is our little crazy girl. She dances to everything she can and much to mommy's dismay, her favorite word is "no" at the moment. She brings CONSTANT giggles to our world.  Evalyn is a whopping 2 months old and such a sweet baby.  She is already sleeping 6-7 hours at a time.

Chris has a great job with At&t. The downside is long hours.  He works pretty much non-stop most days. Days off are cherished in the Ott family.  I stay at home currently but I am finishing up my Paralegal Studies degree in the 2013-2014 school year.  I am so excited and if I do say so...proud of myself for doing this with 5 kids.

The Ott family has had lots of changes this past year and I only see more coming.  I am excited for this season in my life where I have had my children and now I get to sit back(or run around like a crazy person:) and watch them grow up.  Its a sweet season....and a sweet life.

March for Dimes

I am evidently very bad at this whole blogging thing. I have been really behind on updating! Yikes!

This weekend is March for Dimes. I have been so excited about this event for some time now. Raising money for this cause has been great and I am so glad that we are making it to our $500 goal!

Yet, in the midst of the fundraising and excitement, the feeling of sadness and a familiar ache has crept its way into my day to day thinking. Since the moment I found out we had lost our little one, I was determined to be 100% drama free about the whole issue. I didn't want to make a scene and didn't want to have people focusing too much on it. My husband and I comforted ourselves fairly quietly and moved on. Or so we thought....

In our deperate attempt to "move on" I think we may have forgotten to process. Moving on is much easier if you take the time to understand how your feeling. I've heard a lot of people say that putting a lot of stock in ones feelings isn't profitable. That's true. When it comes to marriages, sometimes you can't go just off feelings. You have to make a choice and stick to it even when you don't feel like it. With this however, I am reminded of  the song "Blessings" from Laura Story.

We pray for blessings
We pray for peace
Comfort for family, protection while we sleep
We pray for healing, for prosperity
We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering
All the while, You hear each spoken need
Yet love is way too much to give us lesser things

'Cause what if your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You're near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

We pray for wisdom
Your voice to hear
We cry in anger when we cannot feel You near
We doubt your goodness, we doubt your love
As if every promise from Your Word is not enough
All the while, You hear each desperate plea
And long that we'd have faith to believe

When friends betray us
When darkness seems to win
We know that pain reminds this heart
That this is not our home

What if my greatest disappointments
Or the aching of this life
Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can't satisfy
What if trials of this life
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights
Are your mercies in disguise

The part that makes the most sense to me is "What if Your healing comes through tears."  I am fearful, as well as those who know me best, that in an attempt to keep things "in check" so do speak, I have forgotten to process all of it. As the walk that we are doing in honor of Baby Ott draws near, that ache is creeping back in. Its silly things really. Like the other day, I was in the grocery line and there was a few day old baby boy in front of me. I didn't have any of the kids with me and of course I have a gorgeous and amazing 8 month old at home. However, I felt an ache. We had wanted Baby Ott to be a boy so bad. That I think just seeing a super teeny baby boy may have sparked it. I felt silly as I stood there in the line tearing up when I had such precious gifts waiting anxiously for their mommy to bring home treats and chocolate milk:) Then of course I felt selfish. How can I be sad that my baby beat me to Heaven?? 

A few months ago, I read Heaven is for REAL. I was very skeptical as I began reading. However, as I read on, my heart opened to the possibility of something so wonderful. In the book, the parents of the boy lost a baby. They did not know the gender of the baby or anything.  The child who the book is written about talks to his parents about meeting his sister that he had never even heard about. About what she looked like and how old she looked, etc. This has given me so much hope. I know most don't believe this book and I can understand that. However, the healing balm it put on my heart was so wonderful.  You don't know how to picture your baby in heaven. Is your baby a baby or is your baby a teenager or in their 30s? To read about what this boy saw and who he met and the things he knows that he shouldn't. It was a great book. I highly recommend it. I would also recommend tissues. 

So as this weekend approaches, I would like to say how thankful I am that God loves me. That He fills me up with his mercy.  While I don't always understand His plan, I know its for me good. So I will walk this March for Dimes with hope and a renewed sense of victory. Our son/daughter walks with Jesus. He/she is walking on the golden streets of heaven. He/she sings praises all day long and is surrounded by God's glory and majesty. I will keep this beautiful image in view. God is good...ALL the time.